I was talking with a friend the other day and she asked me, “How do you keep your marriage alive? I mean, you two have a great relationship! What are you doing to keep it that way?”
I answered:
I believe it’s taking it one day at a time and that time starts with the beginning of each new day. So each morning, I wake up my husband and say, “I love you” to him – at least 5 times. Then, while he’s getting up, I go into the other room and fix him breakfast. It’s always the same (his favorite!): scrambled eggs, sausage, home-fried potatoes and some toast (I try not to burn the toast).
During breakfast I always tell him how much he means to me, how worthless my life would be without him, and how blessed I am to have him in my life. And I remember the time during our engagement, when he went to work for a construction company in California (in order to earn enough money for the wedding and honeymoon). One day a boom got loose and headed straight for him. He would have died that day, except that a slab of cement kept him from being crushed. Still, he didn’t walk away without injuries and I’ll never forget what he went through, just so we could get married. Sometimes, the memory of it brings a tear to my eye — I feel so unworthy.
After breakfast we move to the living room, where I just stare at him for about 30 minutes … I call this time: adoration.
I’ve saved all of our old love letters, birthday cards, anniversary cards and it’s at this time that I pull those cards out. I spend at least 20 minutes a day re-reading everything he’s ever said to me in those letters. When time permits, I actually study the letters – breaking them down for hidden meanings. For instance, at the bottom of one letter he writes, “I love you, babe.”
I’d already previously studied out the words “I” “love” and “you” … so today I studied the word “babe.” And this is what I found out. Babe is a noun and it typically means “a baby or child,” but it can also mean “an innocent or inexperienced person.” It can also mean the youngest in the family — I’m not the youngest in my family, so I’m pretty sure that’s not what he meant. It can also be used as disparaging and as an offensive slang, but then why would it be prefixed with “I love you?”
So after throwing out the obviously wrong interpretations, I concluded that he must love me in the same way you might love a baby, child, or some other innocent person. It’s a strange way to end a letter, but I’m sure it’s some kind of endearment.
At this point, if time permits, we spend about 15 minutes just talking about whatever is on his mind. But no more than 15 minutes, because then I really need to get to work.
The whole routine can usually transpire within about 2 hours. Although, I’m working towards starting the routine earlier so that I can get in a full 2 hours and 40 minutes (a full tithe of a 24 hour day). I believe if you give your first and your best in a marriage you’ll reap a really full return.
***
Of course, if I had really had that conversation with a friend, one of two things would be certain:
- They would no longer be my friend, or
- I’d be checked into the looney-bin. Talk about a psycho!
Yet as far fetched as the above illustration would be in giving good advise on how to stimulate your marriage relationship, it is exactly the advise religious leaders give us on how to stimulate our relationship with God:
- Get up every morning and tell God you love Him
- Spend some quiet time before Him
- Get your Bible and re-read it until something there sinks in as fresh or new.
- Study it for hidden meanings, not previously found.
- Talk to God – petitions, questions …
- Wait to see if He answers
- Make sure you keep up this routine … He really likes routine.
We could add a various assortment of church related duties to the above list – but I think you get the picture.
Listen: No relationship can stand a prescribed routine.
Years ago, my cat started waking me up at 4 am in the morning. Since I couldn’t get back to sleep, I got up. I wasn’t given to a routine of “spiritual disciplines” (reading my Bible and praying to God each morning) at that time in my life, but for one reason or another I started to do both. I was extremely blessed by the time I spent with God. I talked to Him and He actually talked to me (something that both baffled and amazed me)!
But over time I began to think that it was the prescribed manner in which I engaged God that gained His ear. I began to think there was something “magical” about getting up at 4 am … that couldn’t be accomplished at 5. So if I happened to sleep in a bit, I felt guilty. (Enough guilt actually works against the relationship and will keep you from pursuing it).
And then there were some dry times, where it just didn’t “feel” like I had God’s ear as well as I did at first.
Long and short of what I discovered was that little by little, over time, I had actually replaced the “vital relationship” I had with God, with the very (now dry) “routine” that had (more or less) introduced the relationship.
Upon making that discovery, I felt as if God said to my heart: “I’m with you every second of the day. At any given moment, we can have a conversation. I like to be involved in your life and not just some routine you have in the morning.”
My husband had a similar revelation when God spoke to His heart and said, “I’m NOT an assignment.”
Well said. Who wants to be an assignment? A list of “to do’s” that much be checked off and accomplished.
Although the relationship (at times) may take on the “look” of Christian Disciplines, no relationship was ever built on discipline … all relationships (of worth) are built on love. Love is a relationship term.
Jesus didn’t come to give the world a new religion. He came to introduce a relationship. Ironically, the main focus of that relationship wasn’t even with Him — it was with His Father.
Jesus wants us to have the same kind of relationship with Father God that He Himself had and continues to have. His prayer,
“That they may be one, even as we are one … and that they may know that you have loved them even as you have loved Me.” (John 17:21, 23)
Love — not discipline — is what grows the relationship: both in a marriage and with God.
In both, LOVE is the “fruit” that comes from a life lived together.
